While I love wordpress, I can’t get it to do everything I want my blog to do, there for I have moved it. Those who follow me, please take a moment to update your links or your reader. Thank you for your support and I hope you’ll continue to follow my journey as I move forward with my Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder.

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Shortly after the time Ange started molesting me, my parents decided to call it quits and get a divorce. A very nasty divorce I might add. I can remember waking up one night to slamming doors and screaming. My brother a sleep on the bunk below me had just been woken up by it and looked to me for comfort. Trying to be the big sister that I am I can remember going to the door to look out, hearing one of my parents bitching because they blamed the other one for waking us kids up. Both then proceeded to open and close our bedroom door against the other, causing even more panic in two frightened children. Needless to say my brother and I huddled on his bunk as our parents screamed and fought with one another for countless hours before my mom finally left.

This is probably the actual start of my down fall. Mom drank heavily and smoked pot, dad was never home and us kids always seemed to be at our babysitters house. We had stayed with dad because mom had no place for us, let alone herself. This was also about the time we started being shuffled around between not only our parents but my grandparents and Aunt during the summer and holidays.

My dad was and still is a work-aholic. So he wasn’t around except to coach my brother at sports. For me, my brother could do no wrong, while everything I did was wrong. My dad is a man’s man and nothing changes that one bit. Course then we learned of his current girlfriend and I think that added some resentment to me considering I still wanted my mom.

My mom got heavely into drinking and hoping from place to place. It was at one of her places that we met her current boyfriend. “T” would play nice when other adults where around, but once they were gone we would be all done for.

We had this huge cabinet in our room that we had laid down on the floor to use as a toy box. He would put us in there for hours in the dark and only take us out right before our mom got home. Mom worked for a remodeling company so she had to do evening and weekend appointments, leaving us with “T”. I can remember being sick one night mom had to work and being at her house, so she had to leave us with “T”. After beating our asses severely for lord knows what, he placed us in the box, told us not to move or make a noise, turned off the lights and shut the door. I was vomiting, coughing terribly, and running a fever, but I was in the box still. He would get that way with us on and off over the time him and mom dated.

This is how my childhood went for years. My brother and I going back and forth between parents on the weekends, basically living with the babysitter till dad would get off work, then start all over again. Not to bad right? Wrong!

I can’t do this today so I will pick up on it more tomorrow. Till then….Peaceful dreams….

First off, I know my Bipolar isn’t where my thought and things in my life come from. However my thoughts, feelings, and the reason I do things come from all that your about to read and my Bipolar feeds off of this……

The first time Ange molested me, I would have been between the age of 4-6 years old. We would spend the night at his house with our friends who might only come in on the weekends, so not only did he molest me, but my brother and cousins as well as his great nieces and nephews. We all let this go on for I’d say another 8 years or so before someone finally reported him.

I don’t fucking understand how someone to do that to lord knows how many kids for however many years and no one ever said a word! He fucking played cards or ate dinner with my family almost night, we would go on camping excursions with him and yet not one adult knew. No one even questioned why over time I refused to be alone with him or to even been near him. How can not one fucking person see that?

Yes I’m mad! I’m mad at the fact my Grandparents never caught on. I’m mad at me for letting it continue to go on (but when your 7 how in the hell can you tell anyone something like that). I’m sure as hell mad at Ange for doing it. Hell I might even be mad at the rest of us kids for not opening their mouths. I’m mad because my dad didn’t save me. Oh fuck, I could keep going on and on at who I am mad at, but the point is, “I’m mad as hell”, still to this day!

When Grampy found out what Ange had done to his Grandchildren, he wanted to kill him. Gramps grabbed his gun and started to head down the lake, only to be stopped by my grammy. When I was 15 or so, after all this came out, I can remember sitting across the table from my Grammy and listening to her tell me that she “was in love with him”. Him, being the bastard who molested her grandkids! That right there made me even more furious. To this day I know I hold it against her and probably always will as she has never once apologized for what she allowed to happen to all of us.

We have no idea to know just how many kids Ange ruined by his actions as he has long since passed away. He was out alone on a snowmobile trail and had a heart attack. I could have only wished for a more violent death for him as he ever only got probation and time served for the fucking mess he caused us kids. Many lives have been ruined by this man, just how many I’ll never no as none of us talk about it.

Well I will leave here for the time being and continue this journey tomorrow. After writing this I feel some weight has lifted from my shoulders, but at the same time it’s still there as the people I want to say these things too, I can’t. So yes some of the weight is still there!

Dear Santa…

Think that for Christmas I can have my sanity back? Not all of it, just some of it. I’d also love a gym membership to get my butt back in shape as well as the rest of me.

Oh and peace and happiness for my dear friends and family.

Thank You,

Lori

 

These are wreaths that I have for sale to help make money to live on. I don’t do drugs, nor do I drink. I just have a lot of medical bills that drain every penny I do make.

I can make them in any color and with any type of scene you’d like (nativity, angels, birds, santa, gifts, toys, and so on.) Just tell me what you’d like. I sell them for $39.99 and shipping is only $10.00. Pick up is available if you live in the Raleigh/Durham areas of North Carolina.

You can contact me at bradleyloris@yahoo.com for more information or to order one. I make these the day I recieve payment and I do accept Paypal

Today is a depressed day. I can’t fight it off for the life of me. I’m broke, basically homeless, no job, morbidly obese, everything I try turns to shit and doesn’t make me a cent, and tomorrow I have group counseling which I hate to no end. It always seems like I am in a negative mood no matter how much I try to stay out of it.

A dear dear friend tried to give me words of encouragement to say to myself often and I have tried them, they just don’t seem to push through to the surface. There isn’t a bright spot in my day and it all plays down to many things. I want to self mutilate, but at this point have stopped myself from doing just that. I have no idea why I have stopped myself, but I have and for the time being that is a good sign for me. My life has become harder then I need it to be and I am the one who has made it this way for myself. I see people smiling, laughing, and carrying on in wonderful moods and all I want to do is smack the shit out of them, however, I resist.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Is it my Bipolar Disorder acting up? Are these my true feelings and emotions? Could it be the Borderline Personality Disorder kicking itself into high gear? I’m dieing here and I can’t find a middle ground. Way to many thoughts running through my head, thoughts that shouldn’t be there but are and won’t go away.

I’m tired of all this shit and want so much better for myself. My mom walked out the door this morning saying, “trust in the Lord and he will provide”. How can I trust in someone who has shown me nothing but ugly things in my life? Trust me when I say there is quite a bit I had no control over!

BDSM and Bipolar for me is a wonderful combination!

While they might not be a great combination for my submissive, it works for me. LOL. I love the feel of release as I inflict pain on my submissive. The weight of the world leaving my mind for that short time as I force the submissive to do things they normally would not do in their true mindset.

Maybe it’s time to find that submissive again. After all it has been a few years since I have had one that wasn’t online. LOL

I’ve come to the realization that my Dominant side is a hiding technique. A way for me to inflict on another the pain I am feeling inside my head and heart. Thats where the Bipolar plays in. Because I am just that confused, I feel I need to give someone else the pain I’m feeling but in a different way. They get the pain through whippings, floggings, humiliation, CBT, and Mind Control (as well as many other ways), I have the pain in my head.

Hum: New thought! Maybe it’s not my Bipolar that instigates this, but my Borderline Personality Disorder since it supposedly is what triggers my emotions where relationships are concerned.

For me, BDSM is not about SEX as it is for most. I don’t personally use it as a sexual release. But here is the clincher; I’m submissive to my partner.

For me being submissive means going into another world, a world where someone else takes over and dominates my existence. So what is my true calling then? That of a Dominant or that of a submissive? I hate the term “switch” as I don’t feel that is me at all. Your either Dominant or submissive, there really is no in between.

I’m confused! LOL

Since finding out the true meaning of Borderline Personality Disorder I have been pondering my past. Was it the years of sexual and physical abuse at the hands of others? Was it the fact my parents divorced when I was 5 years old? Was it the fact that neither of my parents could handle me so I was shifted back and forth between them? Was it the fact my father was always at work and because I didn’t have a dick felt the need not to hug me, tell me he loved me, or his lack of needing or wanting to do things with me? Could it be because my mom had her own depression to deal with as she grew up with me? I’ll never know the answer to any of these questions. But I can and I will defeat Borderline Personality Disorder. I have to if I ever expect to have a normal love life with anyone or even a relationship with myself. 

In reality, we can’t blame anyone but ourselves. Yes I said ourselves! Your probably thinking, “how can you say ourselves if we learned it from other’s”? Did those others hold your hand while you did what ever it was that destroyed that part of your life? No! You saw someone do something and thought that was cool, so what, that doesn’t mean you have to do it. Trust me when I tell you I have done more then my fair amount of stupid shit and I won’t stop till I die more then likely. So many people are quick to blame others for their faults or on society. How can we blame others when we control our own actions and destinies! Now, before you jump all over me, I do know the difference between our own actions and actions that are beyond our control. 

The relationship with myself will be the hardest as I hate myself to no end. On the relationship with others side of things: I’ve had true love and destroyed it. I’ll find it again someday. For me self hatred comes easy. I’m fat, can not seem to do anything right, I never finish what I start, can’t hold a job, have alienated most of my family, have no friends (no real ones anyway), and have a mental illness called Bipolar.  Boy does that suck. LOL. Now do we see why it’s so simple to hate myself? 

I see a picture of a skinny girl on TV, do I sit there and desire something that will more then likely never happen to me or do I just sit there crying, or do I get up and change the fact I’m fat and she isn’t? I don’t have to let society, friends, family, whomever, control my destiny unless I choose to let them. If I want to get off the couch one day and decide I’m going to be skinny, then thats me deciding, not society. 

My point today is we can’t keep letting others run our live in that unknown way that they do. We need to take control of our lives and get ourselves back on track! We need ourselves to be happy and healthy in order to move forward in life.

Goal #1 for myself: TAKE BACK MY LIFE!!!!!!

A Wanderer’s Mind 

Today I had a appointment with an intake counselor here in Durham. When she started talking about Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder, I had to stop her before she got to far ahead of me. You see my memory fucking sucks and if I’m getting a lot of technical information, I won’t retain it. So I had to slow her down, tell her I needed the information in child language, and take notes. 

When I asked her about the difference in the two, she informed me there were only three real differences.

1) Bipolar is a chemical in-balance of the brain, Borderline Personality Disorder is something you learn as you grow up, basically a life’s lesson taught by your family, friends, and yourself as you grow up.

2)  Borderline Personality Disorder is primarily about relationships and how you perceive them, including how you feel about yourself. One minute your hot or on, the next minute your cold or off. 

3) There is no medical treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder as their is with Bipolar, just learning to relive your life.

So according to the Licensed Clinical Counselor I spoke with today, those are the only 3 real differences between the 2. Well thank you very much for someone finally explaining it to me. My next step is an intensive 90 days of therapy. First 30 days I will go to 3 different counseling sessions a week, the next 30 days I will go to 2, then the last 30 days I will go once a week. Each week will be a mix of group therapy and individual therapy. Should I decide I want to go to just one or the other therapy I will be dropped from the program as both therapies are connected with the other. The therapy sessions are called, Triumph. What the hell it stands for, I have no clue. LOL. 

I concerned about this, because the Counselor didn’t talk about sending me to Psych Counseling. She thinks the Triumph program will help me with my Bipolar in it’s own way. My concern is that the Borderline Personality Disorder will take over, leaving the Bipolar mistreated besides by the medications they will be putting me on December 10th. So I’m at a confusion point with my disease and my lifestyle traits. LOL. I think that is how I will refer to Borderline Personality Disorder from here on out, lifestyle traits, since thats all it really is.

I did shock the counselor as I recounted my life. She told me she has been bad, but never that much bad shit happening in one persons live and that person still being alive. She then said the one thing that drives me fucking nuts “you seem like a very strong girl”. Do they not see it’s all a big fake piece of existence? The hiding in a corner from the world? Help me damn it! I’m a little girl stuck inside a big girl’s body! 

Some new developments in myself that I’m coming across. 1) I’m seeing hallucinations, 2) The self mutilating has increased 3) I’m hearing voices and things that aren’t there. Woo Hoo someone call me a funny farm wagon. LOL. Thats actually what I almost told the counselor today. 

Lord help me, surely I’m not getting that bad after being so long without my medication or counseling.

Had a really bad night. Was watching a seriously funny movie, got to a part where I could hardly breath I was laughing so hard, next thing I knew that laughing turned into a massive bawling session. Then I couldn’t stop crying for hours. It pissed me off and I had an uncontrolled cutting session from being mad about it. Finally see the Dr this morning, not happy about going but will force myself out and about. Hope everyone has a great day.

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