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I will be offline for a while. I am officially hotel-less today, but I will get here to write out my feelings as I can. Thank You for reading my blogs as I bitch about things and try to find peace with in myself.
Till another day……
Those are all the things I’m feeling today. I spent my last buck on a hotel room. My dear friend Larry had been helping me out by paying for my room. For that I’m greatfull! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I’m broke, I lost my job, found out my mom is moving to Seattle, going to lose my truck, I have no where to go. I will sell my computer tomorrow to try to make my truck payment. My dad wont let me come there.
I see no hope.
Till some other day….
I cut to much the other night. I didn’t mean to cut deep but it happened. For that I hate myself. I can’t figure out how to stop cutting but I dream often of not doing it. I dream of the day when I won’t zone out nor will I desire to watch the blood run down my arms. Then I wake up and I am bleeding and the blood is running down my arms.
I dream of the day that I can open up and tell everyone I’ve done wrong, the complete 100% truth about everything. Current, past, and present.
Last night I actually prayed, for not being a religious person this took a lot out of me. I prayed that I could find the power to write everyone a very long letter and just say everything thats running through my head. I prayed that I wouldn’t cut anymore. I prayed that I would do right instead of mostly wrong. I prayed that I could get my head on straight for once. I prayed and cried for about an hour. I felt no sense of relief, but I will do it again tonight and every night and see if over time something comes from it.
I find that most of my dreaming is just that. I never pushed forward, I just do what I need to to survive and get by. That sucks! I have so many thoughts, goals, ideas, dreams, but I put none of them into action. I never finish something I start.
Heaven help me….PLEASE
Till another day….
I stood looking in a mirror at myself naked last night for what seemed like for ever, but in reality it was only 20 minutes. I was sickened by what I saw. Before me stood this woman with one massive scar that ran from my breast bone to my navel; from there I have 30 or so more smaller scars from where I cut my stomach one night; one each breast are scars from where I was whipped a few years ago with a single tail whip. Entwined in all this are stretch marks from where I’ve put on weight. My belly area is rounded like I’m pregnant and sticks straight out so much that people often ask me when I’m due, (this is from a surgery where my stomach muscles miss-aligned as they healed). My arms have many (over a hundred) scars on them from where I have frantically cut the hell out of myself at different times. I don’t hide the marks from people either, I’m not one bit ashamed of them. I have a tattoo surrounding each wrist area; left arm is an eternal strand of barbed wire to remind me of the pain and hell I’ve been through and on my right arm is an eternal strand of rope that is to help remind me of the healing I’ve done over time. My eyes aren’t as bright as they used to be, I used to get huge comments on how beautiful they are. I have these dark circles that were never there before as well. I’m losing me and I don’t know how to stop it or why I need to stop it. But I sure am good at hiding it for those who don’t know how to see it. LOL
I don’t like who or what I see….
I severlly depressed! I swore I’d never be here again, but I am. Who am I anymore? I cut to release the pain from other places, sure it only lasts a few minutes, but it’s the only relief I get. I have no friends, my family rarely talks to me. Who do I have?
To write another day……
I passed out at work last night. They called the ambulance, took me to the ER and of course my BP was to high as usual and I’m dehydrated. The protien level in my urine sample is still off the chart which they say gives them concern on my kidneys. I finally convinced them I was ok and 7 hours later I was released. I know my BP is out of control, thats what happens when you can’t afford medicine. My meds total run $478.00 for a months supply, that with 4 of the 8 being on the Walmarts $4.00 list even. That is just for my Blood Pressure meds, water pills, gastric reflux meds, and my digestive meds. I couldn’t afford Bipolar meds even if I was on them.
Tuesday was a very bad day for me. I tried calling everyone to have someone to talk to, but everyone was to busy to talk to me. All I wanted to do was cut the hell out of myself because I had no one to talk to, I even stopped at Lowes and bought new blades just for that purpose. I was 80 miles from where I started out at that morning and as I was driving back all I could do is cry as I drove. I was in hell all because the room I was to rent wouldn’t be ready for another 2 weeks and I couldn’t find anything else in my price range. I was devestated by this, plus the fact I had to take the morning off from work to do this costing me money I couldn’t afford to lose.
I have come to the realazation of why I like my Tiger so much (my truck). She is my safety net. I know if I don’t have a place to see that night that I have her to fall back on. She is kind of like my security blanket. I have stuff in storage, the back seats are still full, but I know I can always sleep in the front by reclining the seat, covering up with my blanket, and I don’t even need a pillow. LOL. Thank you Larry (for not taking Tiger), and thank you Tiger for giving me that security.
I’ve been trying to find odd and ends jobs for my day off or even the few hours I get off in the afternoon. I don’t like the feeling of not having the security of money. I skip the family meals at work because I can’t afford to buy myself groceries, that would mean going back to the hotel, being hungry and not having anything to grab even if I wanted it. I’ve lost 15lbs in 3 weeks. I know it’s not the right way to go about things as one meal is better then none, but I can’t help the way I feel. I have 2 weeks to go before I get my first paycheck. YeeHaw!!!!!! LOL.
My birthday is coming up, I’ll be 38 but I feel 108. This year has taken a toll on me like I have never felt before. Sure I’ve had major bad years filled with abuse, neglect, and need, but I have never had a year where I was so abused by myself as I have been this year. It saddens me to know I’ve let myself go this far into the bad side of things.
Till another day…..
Most days I go through life starting something only to give it up before I’m done. I fucking hate that! Do I have control over it? No, Ive tried, it doesnt work. This has to be the first time in my life that I have really truly hated myself. After all the raping, beatings, cutting, verbal abuse I’ve been through, I hate myself more. Why is that? Because I had control over where I am now, I didn’t have control over the other things that happened to me.
I’m at an all time low point for me. I have no money, no home, a job I can’t get to tomorrow due to no gas, no friends to talk to, but yet I cut. Tomorrow I will be hotel-less again. No control! Why did I do this to myself? How did I do this to myself? These are questions I ask constantly but yet have no answers to. Fuck, I can’t even talk to my sister or my mother.
Where did I go wrong with all this? With my life?
One thing I did start and am trying to finish is my schooling. I gave up on it 7 months again, but picked the books up last night and did one complete course, turning in my test and waiting for the next lesson. I’m glad I did it and I didn’t even have to push myself to do it. That made me proud of myself.
The beating is healing, as is the burn on my leg. Now if I could only get my meds to get my BP stable.
I have a massive hole in me, what do I need to do to fill it?
I NEED HELP……
Today is my first offical homeless day. I have hit an all time low and don’t know how I got here or even why I’m here. My day started off by taking a bath in a sink at the gas station. I then went to work like that. After I got off work I drove around till I found a safe spot to spend the night, course it had to have net as well. I have yet to find the courage to take one of my laptops to the pawn shop, but that day will come as the truck needs food to get me back and forth to work.
I tried getting food stamps the other day. It would seem since I’m not in a shelter, nor do I have children living at home that I wont be able to receive them. Oh well I have no place to cook anyway. LOL.
I’ve always been one to bust my ass when it comes to doing something, so I put a few ads up to do house cleaning and dog walking, as well as taking care of people as a PCA. After all why not, I’m so fucking good at taking care of others, just not my stupid self. Life has always been that way for me.
I do feel I’m in hell right now! My leg is in pain and I can’t get my blood pressure down.
I’ve done a lot of wrong in my life, probably just as much as I have done right. However I don’t always think about it or realize I’ve done these wrong things until it is to late. That’s where I get into trouble. Last saturday when I was in NC, I had to retrieve somethings that I sold off of a friends. In order for me to get these items back, I had to pay him off or let him dominate me. I didn’t have the cash, so I was his to do as he wanted with for 2 hours. Worst mistake of my life! He beat me with a single tail till I bled, smacked me around, had me handcuffed above my head and just did as he wished for those 2 hours. I was in hell. But it had to be done to make some things right. It killed me to drive up to mass the next day, I’m still having trouble sitting.
Tomorrow I will be officially homeless, broke, and in my truck on the street. How the hell did I get myself to this point? I went from having the world to having nothing! I have 2 laptops, one will go as needed since its all I have left to make money with. Most people think that someone in my situation has a drug or alcohol problem. I have neither, just a mental disorder. Thats hard enough on its own.
Counseling didn’t turn out to well on friday. Seems every one here is too busy for an emergency session with someone they have never seen. Shame, I could have really used the help, specially since I’ve started cutting again.
Till another day…..
I start my new job next week. Sure I’m scared, this is a bigger deal then what I’m used to. I thrive though on challenges.
Today is looking bright for me. The sun is shining, I go talk to a counseler, and I have a roof over my head. There-for I’m a happy camper. I had a thought, I wish I had my tent with me, then I could have camped out and enjoyed nature all over again. Instead, my tent is sitting, never opened in GA. LOL. Go figure.
This is something I ask of myself and others all the time. I always have to know the answer regardless if I have it or not, but I will find the answer to this question someday. A very dear friend of mine, got this tattooed, in arabic on his arm after I had done wrong by him. He however is still my friend most days, for that I am thankful.
I thought I could borrow some cash and make it last a few weeks, boy was I so wrong! The $700.00 I borrowed was gone the same day. I had every intention of getting a weekly rental, gas in the truck, my meds, and still have money left for groceries and such. After searching endlessly all I could find was a $500.00 a week rental, everyone else wanted mega bucks down to move in. So I have a roof over my head for the next week only and nothing else.
Have you ever felt so lost and so at odds with yourself that the only thing that put an end in sight was the thought of what you have hiding under the backseat? Thats how I have been feeling this past week. DO I have the strength? Somedays I do and some days I don’t.
I hide things from my friends and family so that they don’t know how bad I am at the moment. I feel like nothing I do pleases anyone. My dear friend in GA tells me all the time that I am special and have loads of potential. How come I can’t see it or feel it? Damn-it I know I’m good at something, hell I have a couple different degrees.
I’m losing it and losing myself. I’ve alienated everyone I have loved or that gave a shit about me. To them I am sorry. I know me saying it again means nothing, but I truly am.
Till another day…..
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